The Ugly Duckling

Full-length pantomime (100 minutes estimated, excluding interval)

Hans Andersen, ornithologist, is on the trail of the very rare Greater Striped Cackling Duckling. Olly Pifflewaffle, following a bad school report, sets out for the big city with his dog, Poodle Maps (who gives him directions). In the city, Olly meets Hans Andersen, his daughter Florence, and his housekeepers, Miss Adventure and Miss Hap. They all set sail for Australia in pursuit of the Duckling – and also trying to avoid being pursued by the policemen, Hello and Hellohellohello. The ship is commanded by Captain Seasick. By a failure of navigation, they find themselves not in Australia but at Loch Ness, where they are harassed by some aggressive Ducks, intent on taking over the world. The Ducks, led by Sir Francis Duck, and aided by Duck Turpin, Duck Whittington and Moby Duck, kidnap Miss Adventure. All turns out well when the Cackling Duckling turns out to be a Trumpeter Swan and terrifies the Ducks with his very loud trumpeting. On return to the big city, Olly, Florence and Poodle Maps all stand in a by-election which Olly narrowly wins (Florence complains about gender bias) – and most of our heroes get married.

Characters:

Olly Pifflewaffle, a young man just out of school (our hero)

Mr Pifflewaffle, Olly's Father

Poodle Maps, a dog

Hans Andersen

Florence, Andersen's daughter

Miss Fortune, Andersen's housekeeper

Miss Hap, Miss Fortune's assistant

Hello, a policeman

Hellohellohello, another policeman

Captain Seasick

Fortune Cookie

The Cackling Duckling

Sir Francis Duck (Chief Duck, very villainous)

Moby Duck )

Duck Turpin ) Ducks

Duck Whittington )

More Ducks

Script Extract:

Olly: Here is my school report, Father.

Mr Pifflewaffle: (Reading) Wally Puddlewiddle.

Olly: (Grabbing the report and looking at the name.) That's not me. I'm Olly Pifflewaffle.

Mr Pifflewaffle: Are you sure?

Olly: You should know. You're my father.

Mr Pifflewaffle: (Unconvinced) Oh. Let's have a look. (Takes back the report and reads.) Home Economics. Wally is very helpful. He cooked spaghetti bolognese for the whole class. Most of the children are still convalescing. History. Wally is full of ideas. On Monday he staged a re-enactment of the Battle of Hastings. (He claps one hand to his eye.) The teacher – Mr Godwinson – is expected to make a full recovery. Science. Wally enjoys experiments. Last week he did an experiment with gelignite. Parts of the science lab have been found in Bath, Chippenham and Chipping Sodbury [other locations ten to twenty miles away from theatre].

Olly: It's good, isn't it, Father? It says I contribute lots of ideas.

Mr Pifflewaffle: (Reading) We regret to inform you that Polly has been excluded. Permanently.

Olly: (Outraged.) Polly?

Mr Pifflewaffle: Polly. Yes. Excluded.

Olly: (Incredulous) Excluded? From school?

Mr Pifflewaffle: And you can't stay here, either.

Olly: What do you mean, Father?

Mr Pifflewaffle: I can't afford to keep you. We're poor. The house is collapsing. The roof's fallen in. Your room's not even there any more. I've burnt your bed to keep us warm. There's no food left.

Olly: We've still got the television. With the Sky dish and Netflix and Now TV [or other streaming channels].

Mr Pifflewaffle: I'm not getting rid of that. If I'm going to starve to death, I'll die watching [Love Island/I'm a Celebrity/etc]. The fact is, Dolly, I can't afford to keep you.

Olly: (Correcting him.) Olly.

Mr Pifflewaffle: What?

Olly: I'm Olly.

Mr Pifflewaffle: Molly. You'll have to go.

Olly: Not Molly. Olly.

Mr Pifflewaffle: Molly, Holly. Whichever you are, you'll still have to go. (Points to Poodle Maps.) Him too. Ridiculous dog.