HADRIAN'S WALL

Emperor Hadrian wants a Wall between Newcastle and Carlisle. The governor of Britain consults two incompetent legionary commanders about the plans. Then a lady arrives from the National Trust to discuss the implications for tourism.

Playing time: 10 – 15 minutes

Four characters: 3 male, 1 female.

Available from the author.

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Artwork by Simon Bond

Extract:

Nepos (Governor) The Emperor wants a Wall. He is planning to visit in just a month's time and he wants to see building work well under way. And, first of all, the Wall needs a name.

Asinus (Legionary Commander) I know. The Great Wall – of Newcastle.

(Bored silence)

Inflatus (Legionary Commander) How about – the Royal Albert Wall?

Asinus Who's Royal Albert?

Inflatus I don't know. It just came to me.

(Pause. They sit, thinking)

Inflatus Supposing we covered it in reflecting glass, then anyone attacking the Wall would see themselves coming and would run away. Then we could call it the Wall of Mirrors.

Nepos Where would we find eighty miles of glass?

Inflatus (Sadly) Mmm.

Asinus How about putting a road on top of the Wall? Then it could be Wall Street.

Inflatus And if two chariots met on top, there would be a Wall Street Crash.

Nepos I'm sorry to be boring but we'll just have to call it the Great North Wall.

Inflatus (Blankly) The Great North Wall?

Nepos The Great North Wall. No, it's not witty or clever or – or - It's just a name. A name which describes it. It's Great. And it's up North.

Inflatus And it's a Wall. The Great North Wall. Yes, it has a sort of ring to it.

Nepos Right. The Emperor will be happy with that. The instructions are to build it eighty miles long. All the way from Newcastle to Carlisle.

Asinus Eighty miles? That's – that's – um -

Nepos It's eighty miles. We'll have three legions working on it. And there is to be a ditch to the north of it.