Old King Cole

Full-length pantomime

Playing time: two hours approximately (excluding interval)

Available from the author

Songs: some songs are suggested, including some old favourites with new lyrics.

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King Cole is missing and has not been seen for years. His Queen is now so miserable that she cannot laugh. Gooseberry, the jester, sets off on a mission to find the funniest joke in the world as this is the only way to cure the Queen. His adventures take him to the North Pole where he encounters a group of Walruses who torture their prisoners by telling them terrible jokes. (The scene where Gooseberry is “tried” by the Walruses has been compared to Lewis Carroll). Other characters include an unattractive Princess (under a spell), a frustrated prison wardress (the Dame) and three villainous Pirates who are also searching for the World's Funniest Joke. The Pirate Captain has an idiosyncratic line in mixed metaphors and can't see without his eye-patch. But who will find the joke first? 

“It is fresh, witty, fast-moving and great family fun.” (Producer, Woodchurch Players, quoted in Kentish Express)

Characters:

Gooseberry, a jester

Pip, his assistant

Annabel, a prison wardress

Queen Grump

Princess Jane

Captain Crudge )

Lieutenant Bluebottle ) pirates

Dog-Eared Dan )

Lord Bignose

Doctor Grunt

Fairy Crackers

King Walter of the Walruses

Walsingham )

Wallingford )

Walthamstow ) walruses

Wallenstein )

Wilberforce )

Wilhelmina )

Herald

Courtiers, Guards

Script Extract:

Walrus King: Don't be impertinent. This is a court of law.

Annabel: It's the stupidest court of law I've ever been in.

Walrus King: That's a five thousand pound fine for contempt of court.

Gooseberry: That's absurd. I protest.

Walrus King: Over-ruled. Prisoner not allowed to protest.

Gooseberry: But you haven't produced any evidence.

Walrus King: Nonsense. Look at these charges. Anyone accused of that many crimes must be guilty of at least half of them. That's the law - the law of averages.

Gooseberry: That's not logical.

Walrus King: Keep logic out of it. This is a court of law.