The Princess and the Pea

slightly based on the story by Hans Christian Andersen

Running time: about two hours

Available from the author

Songs: some songs are suggested

Click here to request further details or to order a free reading copy.

When Princess Zabaglione was a baby, the villainous wizard Vermicelli put a spell on her and she has been missing ever since. Twenty years on, can our heroes, aided by Fairy Fettucine, find the Princess? The chase takes them to the Himalayas where our heroine is guarded by the Abominable Snowman. How will they prove that she is a genuine Princess? And what is the true identity of the Snowman?

Profiterole, the clueless nanny who lost the baby princess twenty years ago, is now the Palace cook. She is aided by her two children, Cappuccino and Latte (That's what's known as Costa living). Cappuccino hopes to make money with a chocolate-machine.

Vermicelli meanwhile has ingratiated himself with the Queen and persuades her to outlaw chocolate. Prince Tiramisu arrives, searching for a Princess to marry and using Tinder to identify possible candidates.

Baffled? No? Then wait till you meet three soldiers called Here, There and Everywhere, not to mention a rabbit called Frog.

Characters (19) in order of length

Madame Profiterole

Vermicelli, an evil Wizard

Prince Tiramisu of Trattoria

Cappuccino, son of Profiterole

Queen Asti Spumante of Pizzeria

Fairy Fettucine

Latte, adopted daughter of Profiterole

Baguette, daughter of Vermicelli

Lord Gnocchi

Here )

There ) soldiers

Everywhere )

Lady Panettone

Zucchini, a male gardener

An Abominable Snowman

Nettarina, a lady gardener

Lady Antipasti

Lord Minestrone

Frog, a Rabbit (who does not speak but does quite a lot of acting)

Optional Chorus of Courtiers

Extract from the Script

Cappuccino: But who has taken Latte?

Fairy: An evil wizard has taken her.

Profiterole: A wizard?

Cappuccino: What wizard?

Fairy: (looking at the crystal ball) Pizza Margherita.

Profiterole: Pizza what? Who's that?

Fairy: No. That's what I ordered from [Pizza Hut/Domino's/etc] for this evening. The kidnapper is called Vermicelli. My old adversary. He is the most evil person in the country.

Profiterole: But he's the Queen's special adviser.

Cappuccino: Yes, and he isevil. He's the one who banned chocolate.

Fairy: (studying the crystal ball again) He's taken her – (dramatic pause; then, grimly)– to the place from which no-one escapes.

Profiterole: (horrified)You don't mean - ?

Cappuccino: It couldn't be - ?

Fairy: Yes -

Profiterole: (voice of doom) Ikea?

Cappuccino: Oh no!

Profiterole: It's full of people wandering around, in total despair -

Cappuccino: Some of them have been there for fourteen years -

Profiterole: Forever buying beds and wardrobes, in the hope that they might escape -

Cappuccino: She won't get out until she's bought eighteen sofas, twenty-three chairs, six book-cases and a bedside light.

Profiterole: Where will she put it all?

Fairy: (looking at crystal ball again) No. Not Ikea.

Profiterole: There's a chance, then.

Fairy: (still looking at the crystal ball) He's taken her to the Amazon.

Cappuccino: To Amazon?

Profiterole: She can buy anything there. Games. DVDs. Garden furniture.

Fairy: Not Amazon.The Amazon. The Amazon Rain Forest. Oh, no. My crystal ball has got it wrong. Not the Amazon. The Himalayas.

Profiterole and Cappuccino: (together, bewildered) The Himalayas?

Profiterole: You mean – Mount Everest?

Fairy: No. Not Mount Everest. Everybody goes there. It would be like hiding on the M4 [or other road].