Goldilocks and the Three Bears
New in 2021
Full-length pantomime.
Estimated running-time: One and a half hours (excluding interval), depending on production, use of songs etc
Available from the author
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Music: some songs are suggested.
King Jarlsberg wants porridge for breakfast but his Courtiers keep offering him beetroot. The Palace gardener is incapable of growing anything else. The King sends Miss Goldilocks (Director of Consumer Experience) on a mission to find the perfect porridge recipe. She is accompanied by the unsuccessful gardener Lymeswold (who really wants to be a balloonist) and the King’s daughter, Dolcelatte, who is into body-boarding. Their search takes them via the Witched Witch of Lymeswold to Yosemite National Park, where the Three Bears live. Meanwhile villainous Baron Gorgonzola is out to thwart their plans. Yes, he wants to be the Big Cheese. Providing further confusion are the two Palace Guards, Somebody and Nobody.
Artwork by Simon Bond
Characters:
King Jarlsberg
Goldilocks, the King's Director of Customer Experience (the Dame)
Baron Gorgonzola, the King's brother (the Villain)
Princess Dolcelatte, the King's daughter
Lymeswold, the King's Gardener
Lady Camembert, a courtier
Lady Brie, a courtier
Duke of Double Gloucester, a courtier
Earl of Red Leicester, a courtier
Wicked Witch of Wensleydale
Somebody, a Palace Guard
Nobody, a Palace Guard
An Owl
Mr Bear
Mrs Bear
Baby Bear (Please see Producer's Notes regarding the Bears' names)
Additional Courtiers - optional
Edited extract
King: Lord Leicester, have you seen my daughter?
Leicester: (Stopping and turning)The Princess? I can make inquiries, sir. Summon the Guards. (Shouting) His Majesty's Guards! Fall in – at the double!
(Enter Somebody and Nobody Left. They march in, halt and salute.)
Leicester: Listen, men. We have a mystery. Her Royal Highness the Princess Dolcelatte is missing. Nobody knows where she has gone.
Nobody: Sir, I must protest. I have no idea where the Princess has gone.
Leicester: Well, somebody must know where she is.
Somebody: No, sir. I know nothing of this whatever.
King: The Princess cannot disappear without anybody noticing. Somebody has information.
Somebody: No, sir. I most definitely do not.
Leicester: But somebody must have been with Her Highness.
Somebody: Sir, that is an outrageous scandal. I most certainly wasn't.
Leicester: We must ask Madam Goldilocks.
King: Madam Goldilocks? What does she have to do with this?
Leicester: I saw Her Royal Highness yesterday with Madam Goldilocks. nAnd Lymeswold was with them too.
King: Lymeswold? Who is he?
Leicester: The Palace gardener. The one who grows beetroots. The one Your Majesty sacked.
King: A wise decision. Nobody could be stupider than he is.
Nobody: Really, sir, that is an insult.
King: Be quiet. We have a very serious situation. Lord Leicester, you are responsible for finding my daughter.
Leicester: Yes, of course, sir.
King: Take a search party. You will need somebody with you.
Somebody: (Standing forward and saluting) Yes, sir.
King: Yes, take Somebody. And take Nobody too.
Nobody: (Standing forward and saluting) Yes, sir.
Leicester: Take nobody, sir?
King: I don't mean take nobody. I mean, Take Nobody. And Somebody. Take the entire army. Take everybody.
Somebody: Ah – no, sir. Everybody's still off duty.